I miss the blinding lights

I stand in the dark between the stage's curtains. No matter how many times I had rehearsed this, my heart still throbs out of my chest while I wait for my cue. My palms are sweaty, in fact, every part of my body is coated with a thin layer of dampness. I feel my jaw trembling, and I am reminded to to focus on the breathing technique. As I slowly countdown from 10 and inhale slowly into my diaphragm, I recognize the lines spoken on stage and prepare for my entrance. The build up of anxiety is so intense, I almost want to run out there before my time so I can just get it over with. But I stay, for only moments longer between the curtains and painstakingly wait my turn.

Finally, I hear the desired bits of dialogue, and I step into the blinding lights and deliver my first line. The most comforting part of being on stage is the lights seem to shelter you from the critiquing audience. When I walk to my mark and look out to the seats that I only feel are filled, I cannot see individual faces or expressions. All I see is white, yellows, blues, and reds. The colors warm my body even further, and all the tension that was bound up in my shoulders and neck backstage melts away from my character. The lights remind me that I am Sibley Killian, or Cousin Ellen, or Meg. Whomever I am in that moment, Mandy is definitely not there. I left her in the dark. Someone new shines in the lights.

Oh, how I miss that feeling. A couple of nights ago, I went to see Grace Potter and the Nocturnals play at the Westcott Theater here in Syracuse. She is my inspiration for this post. When she took the stage, Grace demanded our attention. Standing front and center in the heat of her own lights, I was reminded of how it felt to be entertainment. To know that in front of you stands dozens of people, wanting you to make them smile, make them dance, make them think. It is a responsibility that I am sure Miss Potter loves, as do I.

For my readers that do not know that in addition to calling myself a writer, I will also always be an actor. Although it has been some time since I have last been on that stage, every day I imagine myself in a flood of lights. Thank you Grace for reminding me what they feel like.